40-year-old Man ‘demotes’ woman from ‘girlfriend status’ to ‘lover status’, and she is left wondering what to do: ‘I currently can’t find the right words. I didn’t fully know what I was hoping for - but what ever it was it - it’s not realistic now’

Author image for Olivia Arocena
Olivia Arocena • Writer and Editor
Aug 2, 2026 4:00 PM EDT

Relationship downgrade

I can't believe people seriously think about relationships this way. I understand you don't want to be someone's partner, but to be so self-centered as to 'demote' someone from partner to lover and expect them not to get offended is insane. I can't say I'm surprised because this has happened to most of my friends, male and female, but it's truly something I can't understand. Anyone can get confused, but empathy should prevail. If we want to exit a relationship, we should know we have to pay the price; there is no situation in which we can enjoy every benefit of a relationship but no compromise. At any rate, this man thinks HE can, and I wish there were no woman with low enough self-esteem to accept this asymmetrical relationship.

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  • man holding woman
    via Quilia

    The boyfriend thinking about demoting her

    Representation

  • AIO: My bf (40) demoted me (32) from ‘girlfriend’ to ‘lover’

    My boyfriend of 9 months (40) demoted me (32) from his serious girlfriend to 'lover' when he broke up with me. We were having a rocky month together. Then when he went to Switzerland on a residency he called me on day 3 and
    via ImpossibleRead4200
  • said being around all these amazing innovative people and having time with his thoughts made him realize we're not 'long term compatible' and he is 'very doubtful we can be happy long term'. However, he said he'd love to keep me
    via ImpossibleRead4200
  • in his life as a 'lover' while we both date other people. I refused of course, and told him how insulting I found that. I am utterly broken. Just two months ago, he told me he 'sees a future with
    via ImpossibleRead4200
  • me' and that i'm his 'healthiest relationship'. Despite his ongoing doubts about long term monogomy working forever. He still invested in me and chose me and saved me in his phone as 'mega girlfriend' (our
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  • inside joke). He introduced me to friends and family etc. One other reason he told me he doesn't want to be girlfriend/boyfriend is social: he told me a few of his friends didn't like me
    via ImpossibleRead4200
  • and didn't like us together specifically. So, unfortunately, I feel this is a social status decision. I feel humiliated and cast out of the circle I thought I moved through effortlessly.
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  • He said that they were reacting to him not entirely feeling himself around me. He also cited that we couldn't be creative together (we are both creative, artistic people). This is not entirely true; I spent hours helping him
    via ImpossibleRead4200
  • with his creative work, and he told me many times he loves that I'm creative like him. We only had friction towards the end when i couldn't' focus on my work and be present with him because i felt him being emotionally distant. He
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  • said I have 'insecurity' and 'anxiety issues' that he can't fix for me, without taking any accountability that he's the major reason for that anxiety by not being emotionally present for me and hanging out (platonically) with many of
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  • his ex lovers. I stayed quite, but grew more anxious. And this did affect my confidence around him socially. But I thought he loved me enough to stay. Please be kind. I am hurting so badly, and
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  • feeling so insecure about my worth and social status after this rejection of long term compatibility and the fact he still wants to f me.
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  • 1*1*Context note: I'm especially hurt because something similar happened two years ago: a man I loved wanted to keep sleeping with me but didn't see "girlfriend
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  • potential." We never actually dated, unlike my ex, but it reopened the same wound of not being enough.
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  • sad woman sitting on the edge of the bed
    via Vitaly Gariev

    The woman after she was 'demoted'

    Not actual subjects

  • Our last text conversation after the breakup phone call (he was still going to come to New York but only under the lover status, no longer as boyfriend girlfriend):
    via ImpossibleRead4200
  • ME: one thing before I go quiet: part of me hoped New York meant you wanted to fight for us.
    via ImpossibleRead4200
  • I thought it was about us. I didn't realize it was an invitation to downgrade the relationship while keeping the intimacy.
    via ImpossibleRead4200
  • HIM: That's anger speaking. I currently can't find the right words. I didn't fully know what I was hoping for but what ever it was it - - it's not realistic now
    via ImpossibleRead4200
  • nycbee16 NOR but you need to demote this guy from boyfriend to nothing. I'm sorry but if he doesn't want to commit to you he shouldn't be allowed access to you.
    via ImpossibleRead4200
  • PrawnShamble Thats teenager like behaviour. He sounds like a moron.
    via ImpossibleRead4200
  • Teddy_Funsisco Oh no, you're "not enough" for weird loser guys. YOR in the wrong direction. Once this guy said you were "demoted", you needed to fire him from your life altogether. What he said was ridiculous and insulting.
    via ImpossibleRead4200
  • woman walking near staircase
    via Filip Mroz

    The woman leaving the relationship once and for all

    Representation

  • Of course, I don’t know if this ex-girlfriend  misinterpreted some things, but what I do know is that he is not thinking about her well-being and is only thinking about what’s in it for him, and that comes off as rather perverse to me. Some people truly think others can accommodate their feelings and do whatever they ask from them. If you’re dealing with someone like this, you should run, of course; but of course it's not that easy when your self-esteem is low, and you think that’s what you deserve. My advice would be to cut contact and work on her self-esteem. If she decides to have a casual relationship with him later on, it should be from a place of enjoyment or knowing her worth, but never from a place of accepting something less than what we want. That’s a terrible place to be in, and it goes nowhere. Of course, not everything is her responsibility. I think he is not acting right, but to walk away in a timely manner is the only thing she can control.

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relationship advice relationships toxic relationship relationship drama
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